


Holiday Road

by ThusSpokeRaven



Category: American Horror Story, American Horror Story: Apocalypse, American Horror Story: Coven
Genre: Angst, Cordelias team building exercise, Ensemble Cast, F/F, Family Feels, Hilarity Ensues, Love, Road Trip, Team Bonding, Vacation, Witches, coven - Freeform, foxxay - Freeform, goodeday, national lampoon's vacation AHS style
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:41:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21536884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThusSpokeRaven/pseuds/ThusSpokeRaven
Summary: The road trip from hell.
Relationships: Misty Day/Cordelia Foxx | Cordelia Goode, Zoe Benson/Madison Montgomery
Comments: 2
Kudos: 47





	1. Chapter 1

* * *

* * *

**DAY ONE**

A frustrated witch ducked her head to look yet again at the door of the Academy. “That’s it,” Madison pushed out from between her teeth. “I will put my fucking Choos up their…”

Cordelia’s hand landed on Madison’s shoulder. She slid forward in her seat and spoke calmly to the agitated younger witch. “What happened to you embracing your non-retail hell self? Kinder, gentler Madison?” She sat back amused in the very comfortable swivel seat she had chosen behind her hot tempered young friend and buckled her seat belt before slipping the map book into the seat pocket. The Supreme turned to look at Queenie in the rear seat.

“Don’t look at me,” Queenie said not even raising her head from the magazine she was flipping through. “I only agreed to this so I could be there for the moment when Madison’s head pops off and tiny villagers run from the lava.” She sighed. “Should I hurry them up?” she asked not really interested in heading into the Academy for the last two of the road trip crew.

“Fuck yeah,” Madison howled from the front. She hit the steering wheel repeatedly with the palms of her hands. She was ready to tear up some witches.

Zoe and Misty ran for the van, each with a bag over their shoulder, Misty hopping as she ran, trying to adjust her boot while moving. Zoe was digging through a messenger bag as she threw herself into the front seat, beside the furious starlet. She hit the dash hard as Madison sent the van flying down the driveway in reverse. “Fuck, you hurt my mouth you psycho!” She tumbled down further as Madison went over the sidewalk with a thump thump.

Misty laughed as she tumbled into Cordelia on the turn at the street. “This is gonna be a kick in the pants,” she said as Delia helped her get back to her own seat and most importantly, the seat belt.

“Ain’t whistling Dixie, Flower Child,” Queenie opined from the back looking for her iPod in her backpack. Giving up, she pulled the magazine out again.

Zoe finally peeled herself from under the passenger side of the dash and got into her seat. She put a GPS on the console. “I did some research and planned this trip for maximum fun.” She turned and looked at Cordelia. “Did you know we are going past the world's biggest rubber band ball?” She barely turned back in time to see the GPS fly out of the window and hit a businessman looking at his phone sending him to the sidewalk in a heap.

Madison held up her index finger, forestalling argument. “Don’t say it Zo or swear to God I will kill you and leave you for vultures or fucking Jehovah’s Witnesses or whatever fucking eats dead people around here.” She zoomed around a bus and threw up a middle finger as someone laid on a horn. “Rude fucker!”

“Mostly gators and rats,” Misty supplied helpfully.

“Fuck your help. We got five days to get to Wacky World and I will be fucking Wacky-fucked if I let you freaking hippies and wimps take me off mission.” Madison growled.

Queenie looked up with raised brow. “No more caffeine for Clark W. Griswold up there.” She shook her head and wondered if this was what Delia had planned when she took over Queen Bitch’s trip to Wacky World and turned it into some touchy feely girls’ trip from hell.

Zoe chewed her lip and hooked up her IPod to the stereo system. The first song out was Holiday Road with Lindsey Buckingham. She slammed Madison’s hand down as it reached out intent on finding out if IPods made great frisbees. “Touch my road trip mix and I will end you,” she said in a deadly calm voice. While she had more patience for Madison’s shit these days, she was not about to let the bitch queen fuck with her groove after killing Tomtom the Mighty GPS.

Misty wiped the tears from her laughter. She swiveled her chair toward the Supreme as she buckled. “I thought this was a team building thing,” she said chuckling.

“I’m thinking more homicide.” Queenie looked through the windshield. “If you are going to run us into the back of semis, I would be more than happy to drive.”

Madison drove aggressively through the traffic. “We need to make Wacky World in five days. That is over three hundred miles a day. With peanut bladder over there,”

“Hey!” Zoe protested.

“With Miss Steak ‘n’ Shake in the back,” Madison continued jerking a thumb back.

“Hey!” came from Queenie.

“And the love and light bitches in the middle wanting to stop for Kumbayas every rest stop, we need to make tracks while we can.” Madison cut across two lanes of traffic to fly onto the interchange.

She threw up a hand in frustration. Madison rolled down the window and offered the finger to an old woman in a Cadillac. “Move it fuckface! Why are we not fucking flying right now? Is it ‘cause fatass in the back needs two seats? I will fucking pay for her seat if we can fucking fly.”

Cordelia shook her head. “We have not been working together the way we should.” She sighed as Madison screamed. She swiveled to Queenie. “No stabbing the driver while the vehicle is in motion Queenie. We talked about this.”

“Fine. I can wait til the Steak ‘n’ Shake to end her,” Queenie picked up her magazine and started reading again.

Cordelia rubbed her forehead. This promised to be the longest road trip in human existence.


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

* * *

**DAY 2**

Cordelia smiled and sat on the bed. She leaned in and kissed the swamp witch with a smile. “How are you doing with this?” she asked her lover quietly.

Misty stroked Cordelia’s cheek. “The people who burned me were a bunch of fundamentalist saints compared to Madison. I can deal though. I will definitely be lookin’ forward to the greenhouse in a week but I can deal.”

Cordelia chuckled. “I am not sure how much team building this will accomplish.”

“Can’t fool me, you did this to break Madison.” Misty joked.

“No. Of course not. Well, maybe just a little.” Smiling, the Supreme leaned in and brushed her lips against Misty’s. Her hand slid down to hold the swamp witch’s hip. “I so love kissing you Misty,” she whispered, leaning in again. 

A massive thumping came from the next room. “Mount up bitches!” came through the wall.

“Thin walls.” Delia noted.

“She probably heard us last night.” Misty considered. “Good. She could be gettin’ some from some poor truck driver but no. She wants to get all Mussolini on our asses.” She reached for the bags and headed for the door. “Turn in the keys while I try to keep her from drivin’ off without you?”

“Got it.” Cordelia chuckled. “Concuss her, but not a lot.”

Their heads swiveled as one as they heard a scream out front. Delia sighed. “All yours.” She smiled as Misty shot her a dirty look.

As they left the room, Cordelia frowned as she watched Madison stomp around in a circle in a parking space. “So… where’s the van?” she asked puzzled. Looking down the row, she was positive they parked in view of their door.

Zoe sucked a breath in through her teeth. “Was hoping you knew.” She walked toward Madison hoping to calm her only to get pushed off.

“What are we supposed to do now? Hitchhike?” Madison yelled. She was half an inch from incinerating the whole damn motel and most of her so called team while she was at it.

Queenie held up her hands. “I know you are in crazy town this week, but try to hang out with us here on Earth.”

“Why don’t you go to the road and stick out your leg Queenie? Everybody stops to pull fallen trees out of the road.” Madison tried to stomp past but was pulled short by the fingers in her hair yanking backward.

Cordelia gripped Queenie’s shoulder. “Let it go,” she cautioned.

Queenie held up her hands and walked away. “I agreed to this trip. I didn’t agree not to break her neck if she decided to spend the whole trip as an ass.”

Delia turned to Madison. “We will find the van and if we aren’t in spitting distance in four days, I will pay for the plane tickets. Relax Madison.”

Misty pulled out a small leather sack and held it up. “Divination or sheriff?”

The former starlet stared at Delia. “This is important. Don’t fuck up.”

Cordelia smiled and squeezed Madison’s hand. “I got this.” Snagging the bag from the swamp witch, she went to the pool and threw bones on a battered umbrella table that had seen better days. Closing her eyes, she slid her hands over the small bones. They stopped, her head filled with everything she needed to find the van. “Ready for another team building exercise?” she asked as she swept the bones back in the bag.

Madison smiled darkly. “Does it mean I get to set fire to something?” She cracked her knuckles and readied herself for chaos.

Queenie snorted. “You’d do it even if she said no.”

“Fuck yeah.” Madison nodded. “Better believe it.”

Zoe sighed and rubbed her temple. “Let’s start smart and then go to wholesale mayhem, shall we?”

Misty looked at her with disbelief. “You are gonna suck up all our fun?”

Queenie chuckled. 

Twenty minutes later, Madison started blowing industrial barrels outside a garage. “Knock knock you inbred, redneck, grease nutted fucktards!” she called out. She blew another barrel right through the plate glass window to one side.

Queenie shook her head from hiding. “I fucking hate her but I love the mouth on her.”

Zoe chuckled and used magic to throw rebar at the chop shop owner’s ankles when he came out. Another bit of magic knocked him out. She smiled. Her accuracy was rocking.

Two more men came out, one with a tire iron, the other with a gun. Cordelia huffed out a breath. “You have our van. Give it back intact or we will have to get rough.”

The man with the gun looked at the two women visible and raised his gun. A woman appeared beside him and aimed the gun at her own head and forced his trigger. He fell to the ground gushing blood. “Dumb ass,” Queenie said kicking the corpse. “Round two smarter?” 

The tire iron dropped and the man ran. Zoe appeared in front of him and went for mind control . “You fought those drug dealers with bravery but your guys died. You decide God spared you to get clean and get right. Go be a preacher or something.”

Madison rolled her eyes and walloped tire iron guy across the back of his head. “So don’t have time for the birth of a televangelist.” She headed into the garage and hit the button opening the main door. She started the engine and drove forward. “Saddle up bitches, daylight’s burning.”


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

* * *

**DAY 3**

Cordelia and Misty were curled around one another on the back bench sleeping. Queenie and Zoe were nodding off, waking suddenly, reaching for magazines and falling asleep again. It had been a long day of driving the day before to make up miles and the early wake up from the crazy person driving was wearing them all out. Madison let her hand follow air flows outside her window for a while but it was crazy making boring. 

Sighing, Madison reached into the sack beside her. Letting her fingers pick, she pulled up a hot dog. She unwrapped it carefully as she drove. Lifting it, she happened to look out the window to see a red Corvette driving alongside with a romance cover hunk at the wheel. He looked over and winked. Madison bit her lip and then smiled.

The man driving alongside laughed and blew a kiss. Madison being quick to reach for nuclear options picked up her hot dog and showed just how deep it could slide and then back out. Looking over, she watched as his tongue moved between his fingers. She laughed and put the hot dog in deeper. She almost didn’t see the deer at the turn. Her surprise caused her to choke on the hot dog as she went into a slide.

Trying to dislodge the hot dog at the same time as trying to control the unwieldy van sent them into not a slide, but a super powered spiraling slide that sent them flying off the highway. Madison’s eyes went huge at the feel of free fall just before the wheels hit a dirt pile at the bottom of the fall, tilted, righted and rolled off and kissed a light post. Madison looked wide eyed at the now waking witches on the floor of the van and then out of the windshield.

“Coffee break,” she croaked and made tracks for the diner they found themselves in the parking lot of. 

Queenie frowned. “Did she just stop voluntarily?” She blinked and pushed herself up off the floor carefully.

Zoe picked herself up and tossing an orphan and mangled looking hot dog bun in the trash, opened the door. She frowned. “I’ll go talk to her. Hey, when did we off road? She asked looking at the filthy side of the van before shaking her head and trotting to catch up with the former star.

Misty looked at the mussed looking Supreme and chuckled. “We need pancakes stat.” She got out and carefully stretched looking around at the dusty parking lot they found themselves in.

“And a tranq gun for the driver.” Cordelia patted her hair and followed Misty toward the door. She smiled at the waitress who swiftly arrived to fill coffee mugs. “Saints in unexpected places,” she summed up.

Zoe followed Madison into the bathroom. “Madison, what the hell is going on?”

Madison splashed water on her face to clear mess in her head caused by almost killing herself over a stud in a corvette. She chuckled. Idly, she wondered how much the car was compensating for. “Long drive.” Grabbing paper towel, she carefully dried her face before reapplying her lip gloss.

As she headed for the door, Zoe took her arm. “Madison.” She looked at the tile considering her words. “I know the only thing we had in common was Kyle, but I like to think we are marginally closer than you and 99.95 percent of the human race. Please talk to me.”

Madison pulled her arm free and turned to face Zoe. “Kyle was a tool. I was trying to get to you.” She huffed. “This is pointless. I need coffee and then we need to make tracks.”

Zoe pulled her back again and kissed her, surprising them both. Her relationship with Kyle faded soon after she found her true place at the Academy. As happy as she had been with her new life, something had been missing. Was this it? She ran her hands around Madison’s waist. 

Pulling back, she looked at the confused look on Madison’s face. Her fingers stroked Madison’s cheek. “Eat a meal. Crash in the back. I will drive for a while. We’ll work everything else out when we get where we’re going.”

Madison wasn’t one to let someone else dictate terms but Zoe was kind of hot when she got all large and in charge. “I wasn’t feeling that cold ass gas station hot dog anyway.”

Zoe chuckled. “Explains why it was on the dash when we got here.” She offered a hand and smiled as Madison accepted.

“This doesn’t change-”

“A thing, I know. We will be dealing with your mouth for another two days.” Smiling, Zoe left Madison in the bathroom. She slammed into the booth beside Queenie. “I’m driving,” she reported.

Madison came out and shoved Misty further into the booth. “This place better have booze,” she grumped, giving an almost smile when Zoe winked at her. 


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

* * *

**Day 4**

Queenie rubbed her eyes as she pushed out of the motel bed. Padding to the bathroom, she dug for her toothbrush. “What the hell did I eat in my sleep?” she muttered as she squeezed her tube. 

“ Mount up bitches,” rang out through thin motel walls.

Queenie sighed. “Why did I agree to this crap?” she asked herself yet again.

Cordelia looked at her girls loading up for another day She was amazed to realize that Madison was still a bitch but not roaring quite as loud. She wondered what happened in that coffee shop bathroom between Zoe and Madison that slightly blunted that edge. She kissed Misty as she went past and watched as Queenie pulled her room door closed. 

Queenie dropped her key in the Supreme’s hand and started for her seat in the van when she felt Cordelia’s hand on her arm. “What’s up?”

Cordelia just jerked her chin slightly and started walking toward the office. When she saw Queenie join her, she took a breath. “You’ve been avoiding this trip,” she noted.

The council member laughed. “You are tripping. I am on this trip and I have the acid and the busted eardrums to prove it.”

“Among us, traveling with us but not really a part of this.” Cordelia turned toward Queenie. “You’ve always gone your own way and I have always admired the strength it takes to do that, but we are a coven, a family, especially the five of us. Your strength is big enough to serve the whole of the coven and our love for you is enough to light up your world, but only if you let yourself be with us.” Cordelia reached out and squeezed Queenie’s hand.

Queenie thought for a moment. “I suppose I could spend less time ignoring most of this trip and maybe make comments that are not about taking Madison off at the knees.”

“Hurry up bitches!” came from the van.

Cordelia rubbed her head. “I get the urge to make those comments myself so I get it. I have the keys. Why don’t you get settled in.”

The council member nodded. “Maybe we could talk about some ideas I had on the way?”

“I would love that.” Cordelia smiled. “Keep me from dwelling on ways to kill Madison.”

“Damn,”responded Queenie. “There goes ideas one through four.”

Three hours on the road and the plotting for an Academy outing had dwindled as the road lulled Zoe and Misty back to sleep. Queenie sighed. “When’s the next rest stop?” she called up front.

Madison frowned. She half turned to look at her sister witch with disgust. “What the-”

Cordelia yelped. “Road, road.”

Madison turned back toward the windshield to see a hitcher in the road. She slammed the brake. The grill gleamed inches from the young man in the road. Madison hopped out. “Dude. Why the hell are you in the road?”

Queenie helped Zoe back to her seat in time to see Madison help the shaking young man into the van. “What the hell? You can’t be bothered to make a pit stop, but you’ll pick up a potential serial killer or two?”

“Madison…” Cordelia said in a warning tone.

Madison tried to render the hitchhiker unaware as she moved back to her seat. “You are better with the mind control Delia. I can’t be sued. I barely have a license as it is. Wipe his mind and we toss him off the next bridge or whatever.”

The hitcher drew a breath. Madison being in far too much of a rush when she tossed him into the van failed to take his senses and so he heard her. He wrapped his hand around the h ilt andle of the straight razor he carried and pulled it. “Not going to throw me off a fucking bridge,” he snarled.

Queenie moved in front of him as the van lurched. “Chill guy,” she warned holding up a hand. His blade flashed. 

The hitcher stared at his hand bleeding where he had slashed her. “What the fuck are you?” he cried out.

Queenie rolled her eyes. “Not a person to piss off.” She punched him sending him into the back of the driver’s seat. “Effing team building trip,” she grumbled. She was seriously wishing she stayed home with a pan of brownies and a DVR full of the Price Is Right. She wasn’t pleased. “Okay team. What do we do with Captain Straight Edge.”

“Bridge,” voted Madison. 

Misty looked him over. “He is likely not a killer. I vote we drop him in a parkin’ lot with a little cash and an urge to go home.”

“He tried to cut me. I vote bridge,” Queenie opined.

Zoe frowned. She was trying to keep the piece with Madison but she had to vote her conscience. “Lot.”

Cordelia looked at the young man. “Find out if we are toting a killer. If he is, bridge. If not, lot.” She tugged him back and passed the straight razor to Misty. She began lightly slapping his cheeks. People answered questions more when awake. “Long trip,” Cordelia muttered.

Zoe frowned as she looked for bridges and ravines on the map. “Um, Madison?”

Madison’s foot went heavier on the gas. “Which direction to dump the piece of shit Zoe?”

Zoe looked at Delia with just a touch of fear in her eye. Licking her lip she pulled herself together. “You probably shouldn’t have thrown the GPS out the window.”

Madison slammed her foot on the brake. As they fishtailed to a stop, she hopped out of the van, pulled open the side door and looked at Zoe with deadly calm. Queenie ordinarily would have sat back and cackled, but she got between them. 

“Back off Madison. If you would slow down sometimes instead of going all balls out, this probably wouldn’t have happened.” Queenie liked Zoe and knew if Madison didn’t calm down she would be BBQ. “Just let us take the map and figure a way around to where we are going. Zoe’ll pick up extra drive time and we’ll sleep in the van if we need to.”

Misty looked out the window. They were in a stretch of desert that seemed to go on forever. “Ain’t nothing to be done but fix it Madison,” she said as she snagged the hitcher and dragged him out past Madison. She dumped him in a ditch and hopped back in. “How do we fix it Zoe?”

Cordelia smiled. She loved her girls They were working together to defuse a bomb and it did her heart such good.


	5. Chapter 5

* * *

* * *

**Day 5**

Zoe stretched and looked out the windshield. ‘Parking lot is starting to fill up. The early birds are coming in.” She reached down and pulled her shoes back on. She was stiff from sleeping in the seat, but was loving not waking to Madison screaming “Mount up bitches.” She looked over at the former star and grinned.

Madison didn’t answer as she watched a woman push a wheelchair to a stone bench near the ticket counter. “Thanks for driving overnight Zo. I appreciate it.” She opened her door and dropped to the asphalt, striding away before the door even finished swinging shut.

Queenie leaned over Zoe’s shoulder from her perch on the swivel seat. “Did that bitch just thank you?” She peered through the windshield watching the blonde head toward the ticket area.

Zoe frowned. “She did. Who spiked her airplane bottles of vodka?” she asked loud enough to be heard in the back.

“No one,” came from a stretching Cordelia who was slowly untangling from Misty on the back bench seat. “We got her here in time for Cara.” She smiled happily knowing her dysfunctional family had gotten a few inches closer to function over the course of the trip.

“Who the fuck is Cara?” Queenie asked puzzled.

Delia sighed. They might as well know what it all was for. “Madison got community service a couple years before the Academy and ended up helping out in a children’s hospital. She was her usual sunny self, but one little girl was a fan and wouldn’t be put off. She was Madison’s first real human connection. God knows Madison’s family didn’t see her as anything but an ATM. Anyway, Cara’s condition took a turn for the worse and she asked the wish organization for a day at Wacky World with her hero.”

Queenie frowned. “Shit. Why didn’t she say?” Still hated the bitch but that little touch of human might be enough to give Madison a chance in her eyes.

A chuckle came from the driver’s seat “Like she is going to admit being human.” Zoe pocketed the van keys and smiled as the former star leaned down to hug the little girl in the chair.

Misty smiled as she leaned between the two front seats to watch . “Ain’t never been to Wacky World before. Think Cara would mind a tag along?”

Cordelia kissed her hand.  “Only one way to find out.”  Delia offered as she pulled on her shoes.

Zoe grabbed her bag as she looked out the windshield. “Better hurry. Madison knows what we’re thinking. She’s bullying her way in with the kid as we speak.” She started jogging toward the little group ahead with a smile. There was no way in hell she was going to miss Madison spending a whole day as a human being.

The other  four women soon surrounded the star and the sweetly smiling little girl in the chair. “Hi Cara. We’re Madison’s friends. Can we join you guys?” Cordelia said crouching to eye level. She looked up at the little girl’s mom.

Misty smiled and joined her. “We came a long way and we don’t know the best rides so we hope you say yes.”

Cara looked at her mom and then at Madison’s friends and nodded happily . “Okay. Can we go to the carousel first?”

Zoe chuckled. “Wouldn’t have it any other way.” She looked at the other witches. “I’ll get the tickets. Wait here.” She double timed to get them all admission and soon returned.

Cara’s mother chuckled. “Let me get a picture of everyone.” She started backing up and pulled out her phone. She was happy and a touch surprised that Madison agreed to this day. A little touch of sadness moved through her as she focused the camera but soon was washed away by the joy at Cara’s smile.

Everyone crowded around the little girl. Queenie threw her arm around Madison. “Everyone say ‘team building.’ She leaned into Madison’s ear. “Got you now you gigantic pussy bitch,” she whispered. She smiled broadly at the camera.

Madison looked down grimly at Cara only to brighten at her smile. “Yeah, maybe just a little.” 


End file.
